i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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