At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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