Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
