so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
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