I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
