PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
