he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
