That's intense
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
