Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
