We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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