sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
