My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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