I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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