You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
