They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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