I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
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I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
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My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
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