I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i out mim tonsoeep
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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