what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
