It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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