whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
