My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
