I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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