my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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