Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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