I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
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I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
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I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
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