I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
