I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
