Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
