corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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