Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
