It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
