i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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