How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
