Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
