if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Soap is not a condiment
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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