So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Randomize
