Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
we're making bets on your personal life
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
