Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
