Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
