Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Boobs are out for the taking
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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