We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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