Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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