That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
