There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
