wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
