You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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