A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
