every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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