Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
We named our party play list daddy issues
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
