My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
