Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
