well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
