i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
