If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I don't deserve a penis
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
