from now on my penis is your penis
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I love you.
Bad choice
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