Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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